“And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge – that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.”
– Ephesians 3:17b-19
As I mentioned in my blog last week, I had a major breakthrough during training camp. Grasping God’s love has always been a challenge for me. I just could never truly wrap my head around the idea that anyone could love me enough to sacrifice their Son for me and continue to pursue me through the darkest times of my life. I struggle a lot with fears surrounding abandonment and rejection, which makes it even harder to accept the fact that someone could ever love me enough to never leave me. About two years ago, I finally reached a point where I intellectually knew that God loved me, but it never really sunk in. I could never seem to get the “heart knowledge”… that is until two weeks ago.
On day four of training camp, we got the privilege of hearing an incredible lesson from Karen Dilbeck (who also has a book called Start Small; go check it out!). She taught us all about how to seek God’s kingdom. At the beginning of the lesson, she made a comment that stuck with me for the next hour and a half: “Get over doubting God’s love for you.” These words fixed themselves into my mind and refused to leave. I desperately wanted to stop doubting God’s love for me, but I didn’t have the faintest idea of how to do that. After the lesson, we had a Q&A session with Karen. Beka Hardy, the World Race Program Manager, and Chris Scott, the Adventures in Missions Director, joined her on stage. Before we even started, I felt the gentle nudge of the Holy Spirit. Ask them. Ask them about my love. So I did.
“You mentioned that a really important step in our walk is to stop doubting God’s love for us. I’ve managed to understand it in my head, but I have trouble feeling it. Do you have any advice?” I asked. All three of them immediately began to encourage me. Karen suggested asking God to show how much He loves me; after all, who better to explain His unexplainable love than God Himself. Beka advised me to ask God to tell me what excatly He loves about me, to ask what His favorite things are. Chris, however, simply asked me if they could pray for me after the Q&A. Of course I agreed!
Afterwards, a huge group gathered around me: Chris, Beka, my entire squad, as well as people from other squads who I didn’t even know. They gently put their hands on me and took turns praying. I could feel God’s Spirit surrounding me and holding me tight as tears poured down my face. Every single prayer was absolutely amazing, but there were three things spoken over me that shook me to my core. First, one of my squad members, Cassady, prayed that God would tear down all the fears holding me back. I realized that my head and heart were so filled with fear that there was no room for God’s love. Amy, my squad mentor, said that she could feel me holding my breath – that I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop when it comes to God. And she couldn’t be more right. It hit me that one of the reasons why I couldn’t accept God’s love was because I keep waiting for Him to change His mind. I keep waiting for Him to realize that He made a mistake in loving me and walk away. Finally, the thing that really set off the waterworks was when Chris looked me in the eye after wrapping up the prayer and said “I’m not God, but I am a father, and I need to tell you that I love you.” He pulled me into a hug and I sobbed on his shoulder for several minutes.
I walked away from that amazing prayer feeling exhausted in every way. I was completely drained and felt like I had a gaping hole in my heart. God had broken down all these walls I had built up and now I just felt raw and vulnerable. The next day proved to be just as emotionally challenging. One of the girls from another squad that had prayed for me approached me in the afternoon. She said that God spoke to her and wanted her to pass on a message to me. “He thinks you’re absolutely beautiful and He wants you to know that,” she said before giving me a hug. My heart broke all over again. Her comment showed me just how much self-hatred I had been wallowing in for the past several months. I had been letting my insecurities overwhelm me and take over the place that should have been filled with God’s love. About an hour later, Sarah-Katherine, one of my other squad members, came up to me to share what God had spoken to her during the prayer time. She explained that God showed her that He had been with me in my grief. That I was never alone and that He felt all the pain and heartbreak I did. He truly did enter into my darkness and pain to just be there with me.
After two incredibly emotional days, I felt completely hollow. God had truly broken down every single bitter thing I was holding on to. I felt weightless – floating aimlessly. What on earth was I supposed to do next?
Well, God answered that the next day during worship. As “What A Beautiful Name” started playing, I felt Him gently remind me that we had a lot of work to do. He showed me an image of by backpack filled with smaller bags. Each of these bags represented some kind of pain or bitterness I was holding on to and carrying around with me leaving no room for His love and care. With God by my side, I slowly began to take out bag after bag – one for my fears, one for my envy, one for my anger, and so on. Finally, the backpack was completely empty and I laid all the bags at God’s feet. He took them and got rid of them to make sure that I could never pick them up again. Then He began to fill up the empty backpack with His love until it was overflowing. I was utterly overcome. I fell on my knees and worshipped Him like never before.
