Where Do You Find Your Worth?

A few days ago, I had a really great conversation with God about worth and beauty. As women, the idea that being beautiful makes us worthy of attention, respect, and love is drilled into us at a young age. Whether explicitly stated or subconsciously taught, we’ve all been exposed to this lie in one way or another. A couple nights ago, the Lord drew my attention to this lie that had been festering in my heart.

Physical beauty has always been something that I’ve valued and idolized. For as long as I can remember, I’ve struggled with comparison, jealousy, and vanity. I’m constantly evaluating myself and others based on my standards of physical attractiveness. If I feel pretty, it becomes much easier to accept love and praise than when I don’t. This toxic mindset has continued to grow and weave its way into my heart.

However, we serve a GOOD God who doesn’t let us sit in our brokenness and damage. He’s been slowly chipping away at this lie for months. One of the biggest recurring challenges of the Race for me has been the dress code. Buying clothes for the Race was really difficult for me. Any time I found something that worked with the dress code, I felt gross in it. I don’t enjoy wearing basketball shorts and baggy clothes all the time and I continuously asked the Lord when this was such a big deal for me.

At the beginning of the Race, He asked me to fast from makeup for the entire 11 months. This, surprisingly, hasn’t been as challenging as I thought it would be, but certain days are still really tough. For example, when we went out for Dana’s birthday, we all got dressed up and went to dinner. I was the only one not wearing makeup and for the first part of the night, it was all I could think about. It opened my eyes to the fact that I didn’t feel put together and dressed up unless I was wearing makeup. It was a necessary accessory that I felt naked without.

For the past few days, we’ve been attending a women’s conference at New Life Bible Church. The worship and sessions were absolutely incredible, but two of the topics hit me particularly hard. The first was a teaching about the woman who washed Jesus’ feet with her hair (Luke 7:36-50). This passage has been on my heart since Nicaragua, and I’ve studied it out over and over again. Foot washing has come up several times during the Race, but this time was different. It wasn’t until I heard the lesson about God’s presence that I was able to put the pieces together with His help. Pastor Grace’s message was that His distinguished presence in us is what radiates beauty out of us. The only way to be truly beautiful is to be a temple for His Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:19).

I brought these two teachings to the Lord, and He quickly opened my eyes to the lie that I placed my worth in. I find my worth and identity in physical beauty. I asked Him what I could do about it, and He answered that I had to wash His feet. Intrigued, I asked what that meant. Your hair has become an idol and stumbling block. I want you to give it to me. I want you to cut it off.

I was stunned and immediately started coming up with a hundred and one different excuses of why I shouldn’t cut it. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I had become obsessed with my hair. I thought about it all the time and did everything in my power to make sure it always looked good. If I can’t wear pretty clothes or makeup, at least I have my hair. That was one of my most common thoughts over these past few months. I put a lot of stock in compliments that I received from others about my hair and let it build up my identity. I was the girl with the long, red hair. That was all that mattered.

I had Sarah-Katherine cut my hair on Sunday. It was so incredibly freeing. I’ve spent a lot of time in prayer, asking God to remove this false identity from me and help me to see the truth of where my worth comes from: HIM. I’m still getting used to the new cut and I definitely have moments when I regret cutting it. When those come up, it’s a good confirmation that I actually did the right thing. You can’t regret getting rid of something that you weren’t attached to.

We all have things in our lives that hinder our walks with God. Cutting them out can be challenging and painful, but in the end, it brings you closer to Him. I want to encourage all of you to consider what in your life is holding you back. Once you find it, get rid of it right away! Why waste time on stumbling blocks and fake gods when you could have the real One?