Drowning in His Love

On Saturday, my whole squad, including our mentor and coaches, met up in Jaco, Costa Rica for a four-day debrief. We got amazing lessons from Amy and Char, ate way too much sugar, reflected on our first month of the Race, and even had a campfire on the beach. On Tuesday, I had my own little adventure with God in the ocean.

After some stressful, emotional past few days, I decided to use my free time to go for a swim. As I made my way towards the water, I ran into two of my squad-mates, Kayla and Morgan, who had just finished swimming. They mentioned that the big waves were a bit scary and a lot rougher than they looked from the shore. I wasn’t too worried and just decided to go as deep as I felt comfortable. As I’ve mentioned before, God’s been teaching me a lot about His love this past month and I’ve made it the focus of my Race. I’ve always associated the ocean with God’s love, so I was excited to spend some time with Him in it.

As soon as I stepped into the ocean, my mind jumped to The Awakening by Kate Chopin, which ends with the main character, Edna, committing suicide by walking into the ocean. I was taken aback… why was this coming to mind? I didn’t even like this short story; why was is the first thing I thought of? I brought it up to God, but He didn’t answer my questions. Instead of dwelling on it, however, I decided to let that thought go and focus on the waves. As I walked deeper, I noted how they kept crashing into me hard and pushing me back. God spoke to me about the power of His love. Sometimes the gravity and force of it is too much for your human mind to handle, so you might stumble back at times, but just like the waves, My love will always draw you back in.

God kept reminding me of how deep and immersive His love is as I kept pushing my way deeper into the waves. As I approached the biggest ones, I saw exactly what Morgan and Kayla were talking about. They towered over me and crashed down with a huge amount of force. It’s okay if My love scares you; it’s a huge and terrifying. God spoke gently as I backed away. I began to contemplate what it means to fear the Lord, especially when it comes to His love. As I reached the shallow waters, however, I started hearing the chorus from “Oceans.”

“Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander.”

Yes Lord! I want to go deeper! I want to be fully immersed in Your love. I realized that if I pushed past the biggest waves, the waters would be calm enough to float. I decided to go for it.

Fighting through the harshest part was quite the challenge. It involved lots of diving and gasping for air, and getting salt water shot up my nose. Halfway through I remembered a quote from The Chronicles of Narnia:

“‘Aslan is a lion – the Lion, the great Lion.’

‘Ooh,’ said Susan. ‘I’d thought he was a man. Is he – quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion.’

‘Safe?’ said Mr. Beaver, ‘Who said anything about safe? ‘Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He’s the King, I tell you.’”

I hesitated for a second but decided to keep pushing through and ponder this thought when I was in the calmer waters. After quite the fight, I made it! And let me tell you, it was worth it. When I finally got over the waves and into the calm, I was able to just float on my back and pray. It was amazing to just enjoy the gentle eb and flow of the water.

After a little while, I decided to head back to shore so that I could spend some time laying in the sun before my meeting. I looked around and realized that I had drifted a good way, not just along the shoreline, but also out to sea. I started swimming back and it quickly became clear that I wasn’t making any progress. I was caught in a riptide, and I had no idea what to do. I immediately thought of all the times my mom had warned me of this and told me about how people drowned all the time in the ocean. Well, who is going to tell my mom that I died… I wondered. I felt panic start to bubble up, but then heard God’s soft voice: You’re going to be okay. Also, remember when you promised Me that your life was Mine? Did you mean it? Yes. Yes, I meant it. And that meant that I was certainly going to be okay, no matter what.I felt immense peace and calm wash over me and decided to just keep swimming.

At least 20 more minutes passed with absolutely no progress. I was beyond exhausted by now and the situation was starting to look hopeless. There was no one around: no boats or other swimmers or people on the shore. And yet, every time the panic started to creep back in, God reminded me that I was going to be okay; He was going to keep His promise. He even began to show me images of myself on shore. However, the doubt and frustration kept coming back. How am I going to be okay? There’s no way I can get to shore. I’m so tired and can’t even seem to go in the right direction. Finally, God spoke to me again, this time much firmer and clearer. You’re going to be okay, but not because of anything you do. You need help; you need to rely on someone else. You can’t save yourself. My mind immediately jumped to Kayla and Morgan. Even though they had no reason to still be on the beach, I knew that they were still here.

A few moments later, God showed me the full extent of His faithfulness and goodness. I looked up and saw Kayla swimming towards me. I knew that if I let the surge of emotions I felt take over, I would only make things more difficult, so I just started swimming towards her, trying to meet her halfway. Kayla began gesturing towards a man with a surfboard who was also coming our way, telling me that he would come get me. It was then that I made it back into the huge waves and was utterly wrecked… Wave after wave barreled over me. Three or four times I was pushed underwater for several long seconds, as I was twisted and spun in every which way. The first two times I tried to get on the surfboard, it toppled over and threw me back into the water. The third time, however, I was able to get on and our Good Samaritan, Esteban, got me to shore. As soon as we got there, Morgan came running, pulling me into a hug while sobbing. Kayla, Morgan, and I shared a long group hug while thanking God. As soon as I pulled away though, God spoke to me again. This is what is happening to you spiritually. You’re overwhelmed and exhausted and if you don’t get help, you will drown. Get your act together.

I shared what happened with my squad that night and Morgan and Kayla shared their side. They mentioned that they were planning to head back to their rooms in the hostel, but as soon as I got in the ocean, they felt like they needed to stay. They had been following me and watching me the whole time as I drifted further along the shore. Finally, they were both overcome with a great amount of uneasiness and sprang into action. Kayla swam out to meet me to make sure that I knew someone was there while Morgan ran to a nearby restaurant asking for someone who can surf to come help. I’m so incredibly thankful for them and for Esteban. I know for certain that the story could have ended very differently without them. It’s also amazing to see God’s hand so clearly and purposefully on all sides of the story.

I’ve spent the past few days reflecting a lot on my Ocean Adventure. I feel completely refreshed and a million times closer to God now. In a way, it was a baptism of sorts. Although I’m still not completely sure what He wants me to work on and change yet, I know for certain that I needed this wakeup call. I have a whole new respect and understanding for His power and the magnitude of His love. I experienced what it really means to have total peace, even when it makes no logical sense. I can already feel huge transformation and growth in me, but I can’t quite pinpoint all the details of it yet.

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Please be praying for me as I work through all this! Be sure to thank God for His goodness and keep an eye out for when He’s trying to get your attention. He’s an amazing teacher who will makes sure that He’s heard, even if it means literally drowning you in His love.